Years later I began my search for the woman who gave me a chance at life, my birth mother. I sent in all the right paperwork, made all the right contacts, then sat back and began to wait and pray. Being born in Tennessee, there were different "hoops" to jump through and it was difficult living out of state. I received my first letter from the State of Tennessee Dept of Vital Records in the spring of 2001. They had contacted my birth mother and had informed her that I was requesting my identifying records which would provide me with her name, but she needed to give consent for those records to be sent to me. She denied. I was crushed. I felt rejected all over again. Why didn't she want to see me? Why didn't she want to know me? Was I that bad? I was defeated and vulnerable, and we know Satan looks for those moments to creep in and take hold. I began telling myself all over again that I wasn't worth anything; that I was the product of evil and not worth knowing. But this time I had a power inside me to fight for me. Christ was alive and well living within me! I soon began to fight those thoughts with scripture.
Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.
I prayed for peace. Peace that if I never meet my birth mother I would be OK. Peace that she wouldn't be hurt by my trying to find her. Just peace. The Lord answered my prayer and I felt an amazing sense of peace! Thank you Jesus!
It was two years later when the urge to find her again crept back into my life. I felt like I should seek her out again, so I did. This time I wasn't prepared for the response I received. In September of 2003 I was married. I received a response from the Tennessee Dept of Vital Records the day before we were to leave on our honeymoon. I opted to wait till I returned to open it, and I'm glad I did. When we returned I opened the letter after dinner and was shocked to read,
"We regret to inform you that the birth mother in question is deceased."
What?! No-this can't happen! I haven't had the chance to thank you! I don't know if you're saved! I don't know anything about you! How did you pass? Did I cause you pain-did you take your own life? Did I push you to that?
I struggled with this for a while. I began to pray for peace again. You helped me before, please Lord grant me peace again!
It was two years later when the urge to find her again crept back into my life. I felt like I should seek her out again, so I did. This time I wasn't prepared for the response I received. In September of 2003 I was married. I received a response from the Tennessee Dept of Vital Records the day before we were to leave on our honeymoon. I opted to wait till I returned to open it, and I'm glad I did. When we returned I opened the letter after dinner and was shocked to read,
"We regret to inform you that the birth mother in question is deceased."
What?! No-this can't happen! I haven't had the chance to thank you! I don't know if you're saved! I don't know anything about you! How did you pass? Did I cause you pain-did you take your own life? Did I push you to that?
I struggled with this for a while. I began to pray for peace again. You helped me before, please Lord grant me peace again!
And the peace did come-slowly. I came to accept that she was gone and that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it or cause it. I can only hold tight to the hope that she knew Jesus and I will have the chance to thank her for giving me life when we meet in Heaven. Until then, I will continue to pray that the Lord use me and my life to further His plan.
Psalm 119:147 I rise before the dawning of the morning, and cry for help; I hope in Your word.
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