Rainbows In the Storms of Life

Yesterday was a good day.  After a birthday lunch with my parents I began the drive home.  There were dark clouds rolling in so we hurried a little.  Upon approaching a red light, my son screamed from the back seat, "look mom a rainbow!", and sure enough there it was.  I beautiful, brightly colored rainbow shining in the sky amidst the dark clouds.  My son asks, "does that mean it's going to stop raining?"  I answered him.  "No son.  It will probably keep raining, but what a beauty God gave us to see in the meantime." 

That got me thinking about life.  We all experience rain in our lives.  Sometimes we even experience storms, but God is always there, shining His beauty through it and through us.  Just like that rainbow.  When we go through the storms in our life we have a choice to make.  Do we duck and cover and try our best to avoid the rain, or do we stand tall and let Him walk before us, guiding our path and revealing His beauty in the midst of our storm. 

I was in a storm recently.  I felt let down, disappointed, and scared.  I had a choice to make.  Sure there is sadness and tears, but there is also divine healing.  I stood up, took a deep breath, and prayed for God to walk before me and guide me.  And let me tell you, He did!  Yes, I am still recovering.  Yes, I still expreience moments of sadness.  But I am looking toward the promise of tomorrow and what the future holds.  With the Lord at the steering wheel, there is nothing I can't handle.  He will hold me when I can't stand.  He will fill me when I feel empty.  He will cover me from the darts and arrows the enemy throws at me.  I may bend but I won't break.  I will speak His Holy name! I will keep going until Jesus calls me home! Again I say, I am a child of God with a divine inheritance! 

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!

 

1 John 4:1-16

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.  By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is of God,  and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is not of God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world. You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. They are of the world. Therefore they speak as of the world, and the world hears them.  We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error. Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.  He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.  In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.  In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us.  By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit.  And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.  And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.

An Earthly loss but a Heavenly gain…

Losing a child is probably the hardest thing a parent can go through; to know and love a child and then deal with their death.  But what about a child you never had the chance to know or watch grow; to lose a child before it’s even born.  There are many terms used, “spontaneous abortion” or “miscarriage”.  No matter how you word it, it means you won’t see your baby laugh or smile or take their first steps.  You won’t get to hold them or hear them say mama.  It seems unfair doesn’t it? 

When my husband and I found out we were pregnant in 2008, we couldn’t have been happier.  We knew we wanted a child and prayed hard for the Lord to prepare us physically and mentally.  It was July 4^th when we told the world, or at least it felt like it, about our new addition on its way!  One week later we were sitting in an emergency room being told that we lost the baby.  The nurse told me on my way home to “just go home and try again-you’re young”.  Gee, thanks.  No one prepares you for the metal struggle that follows.  The physical pain that you endure is just your daily if not hourly reminder that you failed as a mother.  At least that’s what I was thinking at the time.  I remember arguing with God.  I was telling Him-well screaming at Him really-that “you made me a woman-why won’t you let me be a mother!”  I felt worthless; a failure.  But when you’re that low, the only place for you to go is up!  And praise God He was there to lift me to my feet and carry me higher! I felt a closeness to Him that I had never had before.  I truly felt carried; held.  We soon conceived again and my son was born into this world the following April.  What a blessing he has been in my life.

This past weekend we experienced another miscarriage.  But this time, He was there waiting on me.  I guess He was the last time too I just needed to allow Him in.  “There is no fetal heart beat”.  We were six weeks along.  I laid there staring at the ultrasound screen and allowed cleansing tears to stream down my face.  I prayed for healing, strength, and peace.  I’m not going to lie; I’m still hurting, only this time more physically instead of emotionally.  I know that this is all part of His plan.  I don’t like it or understand it, but I’m accepting it. 

You see, one day I will walk through the gates of Heaven and be reunited with my sweet babies.  I will see them in their perfect bodies.  They will never know the destruction of this world; no hurt; no pain; no sin.  They are perfect. 

Until that day, I know they are resting in my Lord’s arms.  And that gives me the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

My Cup Overflows...

I had been told that the love you have for your children is like no other love on earth, and they were right.  I just didn't think it would hit me so hard, that is  until I held my son for the first time.  I looked into his wide open eyes and just cried.  The love I felt was overwhelming. Yet, it's so much more.  It's the perfect example of how our Heavenly Father loves us.  It's unconditional.  Unconditional has been defined as absolute, without conditions or limitations, total.  God loves us unconditionally, without limitations or conditions.  He loves us absolutely and totally.  No matter what we do or what we say, He loves us.  The same goes for my child.  No matter what he does; what he says; whether he disappoints me or makes me proud; I love him-totally and absolutely.  It's a deeper understanding of the Father's love that I never had before. I'm in awe that God would allow us to feel the same type of love on this side of Heaven that He feels for us.  What a gift! 

You know, being a mom has been the best experience of my life. I have learned so much from my son in the short three years he has been with us, I can't wait to see what lessons lie before me as he continues to grow...

1 Corinthians 13

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become as a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ² And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.⁸ Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part. ¹⁰ But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. ¹² For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.¹³ And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Peace comes in the morning...

Years later I began my search for the woman who gave me a chance at life, my birth mother. I sent in all the right paperwork, made all the right contacts, then sat back and began to wait and pray. Being born in Tennessee, there were different "hoops" to jump through and it was difficult living out of state. I received my first letter from the State of Tennessee Dept of Vital Records in the spring of 2001. They had contacted my birth mother and had informed her that I was requesting my identifying records which would provide me with her name, but she needed to give consent for those records to be sent to me. She denied. I was crushed. I felt rejected all over again. Why didn't she want to see me? Why didn't she want to know me? Was I that bad? I was defeated and vulnerable, and we know Satan looks for those moments to creep in and take hold. I began telling myself all over again that I wasn't worth anything; that I was the product of evil and not worth knowing. But this time I had a power inside me to fight for me. Christ was alive and well living within me! I soon began to fight those thoughts with scripture.
 

Exodus 14:14  The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.
 

I prayed for peace. Peace that if I never meet my birth mother I would be OK. Peace that she wouldn't be hurt by my trying to find her. Just peace. The Lord answered my prayer and I felt an amazing sense of peace! Thank you Jesus!

It was two years later when the urge to find her again crept back into my life. I felt like I should seek her out again, so I did. This time I wasn't prepared for the response I received. In September of 2003 I was married. I received a response from the Tennessee Dept of Vital Records the day before we were to leave on our honeymoon. I opted to wait till I returned to open it, and I'm glad I did. When we returned I opened the letter after dinner and was shocked to read,

"We regret to inform you that the birth mother in question is deceased."

What?! No-this can't happen! I haven't had the chance to thank you! I don't know if you're saved! I don't know anything about you!   How did you pass?  Did I cause you pain-did you take your own life?  Did I push you to that? 

I struggled with this for a while. I began to pray for peace again. You helped me before, please Lord grant me peace again! 

And the peace did come-slowly.  I came to accept that she was gone and that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it or cause it.  I can only hold tight to the hope that she knew Jesus and I will have the chance to thank her for giving me life when we meet in Heaven.  Until then, I will continue to pray that the Lord use me and my life to further His plan.


Psalm 119:147  I rise before the dawning of the morning, and cry for help; I hope in Your word.

 

My Story-Part II

I can’t imagine being raped and then finding out I was pregnant with my rapist’s child. I remember justifying how an abortion would be somehow acceptable in the case of rape-I mean how could you expect a woman to carry a child that was conceived under such horrible and evil means? Oh wait-that could’ve been me… I was questioning everything-my self-worth, even my existence.Thoughts of suicide came and went.  I never acted on it and always shrugged off the thought of doing so.  It wasn’t until I sought God’s voice in my life that those thoughts began to disappear.
Little did I know God was calling me to Him.  He wanted me?   Couldn’t be-you don’t know about me, where I came from… Yes Ashley, God wants you.  HE knows you-HE created you-HE loves you.

Galatians 1:15-16 But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb and called me through His grace, to reveal His Son in me, that I might preach Him among the Gentiles…

Psalm 139:13-16 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.

You see, I wasn’t a mistake. God knew what was going to happen the day I was conceived, and He had a plan for my life.

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

God takes bad situations and makes something beautiful!

Revelation 21:4-6 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”And He said to me, “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts.

I am a child of God.

Romans 8:14-17 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

I am here to share God’s good news and plan for your life and mine.

I am alive, not by mistake, but by His grace.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

We must all remember that God has a plan for our lives. We may not see it or even understand what it is. All we can do is daily seek His face and His will. We must not get discouraged when we feel like the world has turned its back on us-it has! But GOD hasn’t turned His back on us! God was, and still is, in control. And praise God for that!

John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

Romans 8:28-30 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

Think about it-What if God designed my birth, my life, my whole situation to show others His love for me?

What is God doing in YOUR life to bring you closer to HIM, to make you more Christ like, to make you share His love with others?

My Story, Part I

My birthday was a day that almost didn’t happen.

I have imagined the scenario over and over again in my mind.  A young woman is picked up for a date and night on the town.  Her boyfriend is charming, persuasive.  The night was going well, and then things took a turn for the worse.  They called it date rape.  Either way-nine months later-here I was.  Born to a woman who didn’t want me-didn’t even want to know if I was a girl or boy.  Unloved, unwanted, and yet saved from the unthinkable-yet totally socialy acceptable-an abortion. 

I always knew I was adopted. I remember my parents sitting me down and explaining it to me.  I remember crying myself to sleep thinking you aren’t my real mom and dad.  I remember the rejection I felt, the hurt. They loved me so much and wanted to help me deal with this flood of emotions, but they didn’t know how it felt.  They couldn’t.  They knew where they came from. I didn’t. This internal struggle continued for years. 

Little did I know that I only knew part of the story…

I was a senior in high school when I found out my birth mother was raped.  I remember staring out my mother’s car window thinking- “you’re a product of evil-you were never meant to be.” My how the enemy has a way with words.  I lived with those nagging feelings, those hating thoughts for years.  Feeling like I was somehow predestined for something horrible because that’s how my life began.  I was pathetic-or at least that’s what I kept telling myself.  I’d have good days, weeks, months… but it always came creeping back. Thinking back on that day, I can vividly remember what my mom so casually stated and how Satan was turning Truth into lies. I wasn’t telling myself that I wasn’t meant to be, the enemy was telling me YOU weren’t meant to be; anything to bring me down and question my life’s purpose...  But that's not the end of my story...


Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Leap of Faith

Had you asked me five years ago if I'd ever be working in ministry I would have answered no. But God had another plan for me ... 

For the past twenty years or so I have been writing and re-writing my testimony. Back then I called it "My Story". I somehow always knew that one day I would have the opportunity to share this story with other women. Last Fall, on my birthday, God gave me that gift. He allowed His plan to be fulfilled at a women's conference. As I stood on that stage, in front of a conference hall full of women, I shared how God can take bad situations and make something truly beautiful! He took my beginning, born to a woman raped and abandoned, and has led me to Him; to a savior whose arms are always there to hold me.  He kept me from going deep into depressions, even suicidal thoughts. He kept His still small voice inside me, encouraging me to revise "my story". Preparing me for speaking, encouraging, and ministering. 

So here I am-before you vulnerable-praying God use me and the life He gave me to share His story of how He uses moments of darkness to reveal His beauty...

Ephesians 2:10 For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.