Losing a child is probably the hardest thing a parent can go
through; to know and love a child and then deal with their death. But what about a child you never had the
chance to know or watch grow; to lose a child before it’s even born. There are many terms used, “spontaneous
abortion” or “miscarriage”. No matter
how you word it, it means you won’t see your baby laugh or smile or take their
first steps. You won’t get to hold them
or hear them say mama. It seems unfair doesn’t
it?
When my husband and I found out we were pregnant in 2008, we
couldn’t have been happier. We knew we
wanted a child and prayed hard for the Lord to prepare us physically and
mentally. It was July 4th
when we told the world, or at least it felt like it, about our new addition on its
way! One week later we were sitting in
an emergency room being told that we lost the baby. The nurse told me on my way home to “just go
home and try again-you’re young”. Gee,
thanks. No one prepares you for the metal
struggle that follows. The physical pain
that you endure is just your daily if not hourly reminder that you failed as a
mother. At least that’s what I was
thinking at the time. I remember arguing
with God. I was telling Him-well
screaming at Him really-that “you made me a woman-why won’t you let me be a
mother!” I felt worthless; a failure. But when you’re that low, the only place for
you to go is up! And praise God He was
there to lift me to my feet and carry me higher! I felt a closeness to Him that
I had never had before. I truly felt
carried; held. We soon conceived again
and my son was born into this world the following April. What a blessing he has been in my life.
This past weekend we experienced another miscarriage. But this time, He was there waiting on
me. I guess He was the last time too I
just needed to allow Him in. “There is
no fetal heart beat”. We were six weeks
along. I laid there staring at the
ultrasound screen and allowed cleansing tears to stream down my face. I prayed for healing, strength, and
peace. I’m not going to lie; I’m still
hurting, only this time more physically instead of emotionally. I know that this is all part of His
plan. I don’t like it or understand it,
but I’m accepting it.
You see, one day I will walk through the gates of Heaven and
be reunited with my sweet babies. I will
see them in their perfect bodies. They
will never know the destruction of this world; no hurt; no pain; no sin. They are perfect.
Until that day, I know they are resting in my Lord’s
arms. And that gives me the peace that
surpasses all understanding.
Philippians 4:7 "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
1 comments:
Dearest Ashley, I am so sorry for both of your losses. May the Lord continue to hold you in His loving arms as you await that sweet reunion where there will be no more tears.
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